my sweet savannah,
you are the epitome of new beginnings. you are sunny novembers, windows down, and all nighters. i’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you and your endearing charm.
i’ve wandered through your streets at golden hour and soaked up this magnificent sort of existential sort of--you have a way with words, savannah. i am in awe of your greenery mid february and your taste in weather. you are full of surprises, sweet town.
i danced with syrup sandwiches, sticky fingers, and joy here. i cried on my right side and in the corners of classrooms here. my vulnerability appeared here, sometimes too much for my comfort.
joy and i have talked before, we used to take walks at mid day down forsyth after class and drives down the bridge at midnight--joy and i haven’t spoken much lately, must be the long distance thing.
two days before i came back to you my therapist asked me what i planned to do with the resentment, bitterness, and pain i harboured the past seven weeks. i told him that distance is hard for everyone, and coming home to you would bring things back to normal. he told me to sit up from my foetal position on the couch and to uncross my arms.
a change in environment does not produce a change in heart, only a change in heart can do that, he said, and with that had me trade seats with him.
my back faced the sun and soaked up its unusual january brightness and i sunk into the cushion. joy met me here and offered me a choice: to sulk in the bitterness, resentment, anger, and pain of my situation, or to start seeing my situation differently.
it’s been twelve days since then. i came back to your sweet town lonely, intimidated, defeated, and weak. these burdens still walk with me, and it’s hard writing to you that my God is near when my God feels far. it’s hard writing to you that my God will never leave me nor forsake me when i feel like He’s done both.
it’s been twelve days since then. in my pain He has delivered, in my temptation He has rescued, and in my doubt He has clarified. He takes me outside so i can see you, and oh how i missed you and your serene hue, savannah. He gives me community and creativity, He gives me life here.
joy and i talk daily.
a change in environment does not produce a change in heart, only a change in heart can do that.